This is a story of self-inflicted struggle.
This is a story of triumphant healing.
This is a story of the infinite powers of love.
I finally realized why life had become so hard.
Why every morning greeted me with eyes ready to cry.
I was pregnant with my beloved’s child. Our child. A precious soul.
A brand new human being who wasn’t here before was all of the sudden going to be a part of my everyday.
This was a concept so vast and a responsibility so big, I couldn’t wrap my mind around it.
And what I couldn’t understand, I simply pushed away.
I closed my heart to possibility. I entered a deep mourning for the life that I once had. The exquisite existence I had masterfully crafted with my goddess juju. I had made myself a manifestress empowered. Now, I felt that was all being taken away.
From this point of view, there was no way that the life of my future could possibly be as fabulous as the one I had already lived.
I bought into one misguided mistruth after another. But it all felt so real.
Now I was just going to be a mom.
Now my life was not my own.
My body not my own.
My freedom lost.
What about what I wanted?
In this small minded view of motherhood, there was no room for pleasure.
And I was not okay with that.
It hardened me. Closed off my heart. Denied me access to the wisdom and tools I had built my life around. I felt abandoned by my true self and this only made me more mad, sad, and gave me what I needed to build a bigger case of non-acceptance around this baby.
No wonder nothing excited me anymore.
I lost passion for the things that were once important to me.
When I finally admitted to David that I felt deeply unfulfilled, the tears flowed even harder.
I was lost and no amount of advice or words of encouragement offered any solace or promise of my true self ever being found again.
The full truth of what I was doing to myself wasn’t made apparent until I got out of my house and out of my head. Up in the Adirondacks of New York state, I entered the magical word of Soul Camp.
An environment so pure, that the hidden and scared parts of myself began to peek their precious heads out to see what all the fun is about. In this place, I watched hearts run wild and courageously open. It became uncomfortably clear that I wasn’t fully in this flow of loving. I was stopping it, keeping myself separate from it. But why?
It was excruciating to admit, but I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. I didn’t hate pregnancy. I wasn’t mad at this baby. I knew my life wasn’t going to suck after he was born. These were all veiled excuses to distract me from the real fear at the core of my being.
I had constructed these beliefs as a solid wall of protection around myself because I was terrified of getting my heart broken. If I allowed myself to truly fall in love with this baby, and then something happened …what then? It was too painful to be with, so I shoved it way down and piled a bunch of crap on top of it.
As ashamed as I was, I began sharing my awareness with others. I allowed myself to be wrapped in their loving. As I received their warmth and understanding, my heart began to soften. I sobbed to David, so sad that I had been denying this love to our baby. With every tear, there was a slight opening. He helped me see that living a life cut off from love is really no life at all.
I saw how I had done this in the past with men. Before Adventures in Pleasure Dating, I was so closed off to love. So full of fear, lies, and excuses as to why I was better off alone.
Again, not the truth. I was just overwhelmingly scared. And what if I had never been brave enough to move past this fear? What if I had stayed in the lie and never stepped up to heal my hurts? Never found David? Never opened my heart to a love this exceptional?
I realized that never knowing a love like ours was far more terrifying than losing it.
Once my heart was open to love again, I no longer felt separate. People kept commenting on how I physically looked lighter. I shined brighter. I felt like myself. The deep pit of emptiness was gone.
I am now able to connect to my baby growing inside of me. Talk to him. Share love with him. Feel him in a different way. He has been sending me messages and miracles. Signs of his loving that were probably there all along, but my closed heart made me blind to them.
I am so grateful to be shown once again, another powerful example of how love transforms all things. I will not judge myself for forgetting or for losing my way. I see how the resistance, the anger, the struggle, the humbling, was all necessary in connecting to the deeper parts of myself.
Getting to know ourselves can get pretty messy, but what a beautiful mess it is.
Perhaps there is something you have been closing your heart off to?
Perhaps you are ready to lay down your fierce protection and open yourself to the support and the miracles that LOVE has waiting for you? You deserve a life of love at this magnitude. I would love to guide you through this life-changing, love-finding process.
Right now there are two sensational ways to get started:
- – Powerful private pleasure sessions – fill out this form to get started
- – The Intimacy and Connection Pack – get immediate access here
Thank you for allowing me to vulnerably share my stories of pain and pleasure with you. I am so honored to be an empowered woman with you in this life, always expanding into our ecstatic fullness together.