I’ve been terrified this whole time, yet I didn’t even know it.
With hopes and visions of pure freedom and bliss, I set out on a path. A path I intended to yield greater experiences of pleasure than I ever thought possible. I pictured myself luxuriating in a constant bath of golden light. Basically, the emotional equivalent of frolicking in my favorite summer dress through illuminated, sun drenched fields.
With nothing but possibilities and time stretched out in front of me, how could it possibly be any different than I imagined?
Well it has been different. On the inside at least. My body has enjoyed plenty of frolicking, but my spirit is left pining for the light.
Before we embarked on this Pleasure Adventure, I was giddy about reinvention. Like a college freshman walking into her new dorm, I could waltz into any new city and be exactly who I wanted to be. No one knows me. I have a clean slate. Not that I wasn’t already excited about the woman I am. But I was ready to be a fuller, bolder, and even more powerful version of myself.
Instead, I hid. I hid from people, I hid from connection. I hid from myself.
All interactions with people other than my husband became terse, superficial or nonexistent. No wonder I was terribly lonely. I was too scared to engage in the deep soulful connections that feed me. When the reality of this hit me, a deep wave of sadness washed in. Why did this feel so hard? Why was I having such a challenging time just being myself?
I could’t remember the last time I felt this timid, this guarded.
Slowly the mystery started unraveling. I began receiving little clues that shed light on this dim confusion. The morning after a mini breakdown, I asked for guidance from my goddess card deck. I pulled the card, Isis- Past Life. As soon as I read the first line of the card, I knew where this block of energy had originated. “Your roots upon this planet are strong and deep…..” Gasp!
My roots! From where I stood in Portland, Oregon, I was just a 3 hour drive from the hometown in Washington where I was born and raised.
“….and some of the roots have anchored you in past memories from faraway times.” These words resonated so strongly and I instantly knew that whatever was affecting me had roots in my childhood. “These roots have anchored you so deeply, in fact, that you are paralyzed when it comes to moving forward.” Yes! This was exactly what I was feeling! “I’ve called your attention to this condition so that you may unearth and uproot past memories.”
But what exactly was crying out to be healed?
It wasn’t until the next night where I found myself sobbing into the couch that it became clear. I didn’t need to find what to heal, but rather who to heal. The tears led me back, back to the energy of a girl who’s life was shaken off course. My ten year old self was present and alive and utterly confused. Why? Why was this happening? Why would we choose to do this? Why would we leave a perfectly wonderful life for something uncertain? Our home, our friends, our life, all gone, for no good reason. Why?
I realized that all of the debilitating fears I was experiencing were hers. I felt timid and afraid because she felt timid and afraid.
This “Pleasure Adventure” for me was, actually a nightmare lived over again for her.
Ten years old was when it all changed. My dad, my hero, the Hercules of my existence, fell. He fell from the roof of a two story house he was building. The shattering of his hip, was the shattering of our life as we knew it. We traded family vacations for hospital visits, and piles of toys for stacks of medical bills. Dad was unable to provide and mom felt the weight of it all.
Then and now, little Briana didn’t understand why everything had to change. Inside of me, she trembled, terrified that, like then, all would go to shit. Being on the road brought up the same feelings of not being safe, not knowing where the next meal or place to stay would come from. This precious little girl inside of me was crying out for comfort. And until she felt safe, there would always be a part of me that would flee and hide.
And so the process of loving her, hearing her and assuring her began. Through my studies in Spiritual Psychology, I learned that “healing is the application of loving to the parts inside that hurt.” In order to enjoy myself as the fully expressed goddess I desire to be, all parts of myself must come into alignment with one another. My commitment to loving her, is also my commitment to loving every single part of myself. Denial or judgment of anything going on inside of me will ultimately leave me at odds with my divinity.
Since engaging in this healing, my entire experience has enlivened. I feel bold and beautiful and like my true self. I feel awake and empowered again. I am creating what I desire, rather than hiding in the shadows of what could be. Without breaking through my blocks and expanding past who I am into who I will be, the greatest pleasure adventure of all simply isn’t possible.
The highs are birthed from the downs. The elation is inhaled from the deflation. I honor it all, for there is magic in every breath.