Four weeks ago I was paralyzed from the tits down. Blinded by lights so bright. My naked body surrounded in a room full of masked strangers. In this room, I was sliced open like a fish. But instead of my guts spilling out onto the table, my baby boy was hoisted from my body.
Yes, after 30+ hours of labor, I ended up with a cesarean birth.
But please don’t feel sorry for me.
When I share that I had a cesarean, more often than not, I am met with a slight frown, an “oh I am so sorry” and the soft eyes of pity.
Why would this healthy baby boy, the end to hours upon hours of physical pain, and my intact vagina be frown worthy?
Yes, I may have written the opening paragraph a bit dramatically, but if I would have described labor itself, you might just lose your lunch.
I’ll be totally honest right here……..labor fucking sucks! Yes it may be a powerful rite of passage. A small price to pay for the joy of receiving your child. Even a fascinating display of the mind-bending capabilities of the human body. But it still sucks……really hard!
In all of our good intentions, we planned and prepared for a natural birth. I thought it would be pretty bad ass to welcome my son into the world, unmedicated, and medically unassisted, the way nature intended. But I was wrong. The truth is, any way a baby decides to make it’s way into your arms is pretty bad ass. All avenues of delivery deserve credit! We don’t need to deem one way superior to another. Just like we don’t need to make ourselves feel better than, or less than someone else.
We women put so much pressure on ourselves to excel at all things, to look amazing while doing it, to always get it “right”………essentially to be perfect. But what we don’t always realize is that any way that feels best to us personally, is already perfect! No one else but you gets to decide what is best for you.
I experienced such unimaginable relief when we decided to steer towards our previously deemed “worst case scenario.” My full body YES towards an epidural, and later a cesarean made me realize that during my labor I had not been honoring myself, my internal compass, or my pleasure by pushing for a natural birth. There was a moment in the birthing tub that I looked at my husband and shared my truth. I told him, “I am doing this for you.”
I knew now important a natural birth was to him and also how much he believed in me that I could do it. I wanted him to be proud of me.
But I know better than that……
Trying to please others before pleasing myself will never allow me to satisfy my deepest desires:
-My desire to trust myself and my inner knowing above all else.
-My desire to empower myself fully as a woman who takes action on her own behalf.
-My desire to be guided in this life by my pleasure…..something far greater than my ego.
In that moment, he burst into tears with me. He was already proud of me and watching his wife in so much pain was tearing him up inside.
My speaking up set a major pleasure principle into motion:
When a goddess chooses to honor her pleasure above all else, everyone around her is blessed in the process.
Because I was brave enough to choose my love of myself over my fear of disappointing my husband, we all got what we truly wanted, instead of what we thought we wanted. We ended up being wrong about a natural birth being best for us and our boy. We finally listened to ourselves, instead of all of the articles, classes and studies or what other people were doing. I got to feel empowered in my birthing process. David got to support his wife and child for their highest good. My body got to feel heard and cared for. And we all got our ultimate goal, which was of course our precious boy.
I think we would all experience a lot more grace, blessings and pleasure in our lives if we allowed ourselves to veer off course from our pre-laid “plans.” There are so many detours in life, and we can choose to treat these as adventures rather than catastrophes. Life is full of stuff that goes “wrong.” We get broken up with, we get fired, lose houses, wreck cars, sleep through alarms, gain weight, break bones, and drop our phones in toilets.
I am not going to feel sorry for any of us. I am going to rest in the knowing that everything we attract into our lives is for us, and never against us. We are blessed far beyond what our delicate little minds can comprehend. We are meant for decadence far greater than what our “plans” have in store for us. So next time someone makes an “oh I am so sorry” face at you, I invite you to go inside of yourself and check its relevance. Your pleasure may have something quite astounding waiting for you instead of their pity.