So this thing is about to happen……
A brand new human is about the enter this miraculous world, and he is coming straight through me!
Up until lately, the gravity of this task, this privilege, has been far too overwhelming to comprehend. So I pushed it away. I shook it off. I avoided the mind melting vastness of what it means to create an actual person, to invite this dude we’ve never met before to become an automatic member of our family, while totally shifting our whole life to accommodate feeding him, caring for him and raising him. Whoa!
There have been many days in which I’ve had to remind myself that I chose this. And not only did I choose this, but I powerfully created this.
Yes, as agonizing and perplexing as it may feel at times, a pleasure goddess must take full responsibility for every last ounce of what shows up in her life. She calls it all in. She knows that everything, yes everything, is for her highest good, growth and upliftment. So yes, I absolutely called this in.
Evidently this pregnancy came out of the season where I was quite literally praying for a massive change in my life. I was bored at the time. Looking to feel the fire of being madly inspired. I knew I wanted something transformational, needed something eye opening, but I wasn’t clear what that looked like. So I handed it over to Spirit and the gorgeous goddesses who guide me in this life. Another quality of a woman of pleasure….trust.
Unfortunately these empowering practices of taking personal responsibility and trusting whole-heartedly went right out the window once I found out I was pregnant. And regrettably so did my experience of pleasure. I spent the next 5 months being pretty pissed, fiercely resistant and deeply sad. (We had also just moved across the country leaving behind family and friends and were starting a brand new life in a new state, in a new home, so yeah the level of newness and transition felt enormous. But remember, who was asking for massive change in her life? Ugh!)
And to sweeten the pot, the maddening cocktail of hormones took hold. They sent me into a deep depression and I felt like an absolute crazy person. Every one of my pleasure crushing fears and limiting beliefs surfaced at once, and I bought into all of them. I thought this pregnancy and the life of a mother was sure to be the end of my days as a fabulous and free female. Here is a tiny taste of what my mind had be believing:
-the greatest joys of my life are behind me
-the empowered woman that I’ve spent years creating has vanished
-My body is no longer my own and I can no longer use it in ways that delight me
-I am now bound to a life of motherhood and servitude and that is going to suck
-my free will is gone
-my womanly fire has been dampened
BLAH!!!! What a load of bullshit! I knew better than to fall for these falsehoods. A pleasure mama can spot these soul-sucking sacks of shit as soon as they dampen her lively mood. She is used to masterfully crafting her own reality with the powerful thoughts and beliefs of her choosing. I know this. I practice it all the time. So why was I actively engaging with mental content that clearly made me suffer?
It was all a part of the eye opening transformation I was asking for. I now believe that I was taken down to the depths of despair to obtain a radically new perspective on pleasure. One that I simply was not open to seeing before.
Pain can be pleasurable.
Yes I know this seems backwards and a far cry from the pleasure made of sensual encounters and desires made manifest. But if we are ready to know the depths of our pleasure centers, then we have to be willing to let more in. Even if that “more” is comprised of things that scare us, things we run from.
I spent months moping around, wallowing in my own tears, throwing myself a decadent pity party. I was miserable. But now I see the beauty in the pain I experienced.
-The full body release that comes from an epic cry.
-The pure intimacy made possible after being stripped to your most vulnerable core in the presence of another person.
-The inner strength that emerges after experiencing your own desperate weakness, and knowing it doesn’t last forever.
These are all exquisite pleasures I never would have been lucky enough to know if I hadn’t been broken down to my knees. I was humbled by my pain, but never abandoned by my pleasure.
I hold this lesson dearly in my heart and mind as I prepare to birth this baby from my body. I used to think that in order to rock this delivery as a pleasure diva I had to achieve the orgasmic heights of ecstatic birth, or the zenned out zone of hypnobirthing. Now these methods do sound super rad and highly pleasurable, but I will not make myself feel like a failure if what transpires doesn’t look or feel this way. I may experience more physical pain than I ever thought possible. And if so, that will be okay. Because now I know that even with pain present, I can still know myself as a deeply pleasured person. The presence of one, does not require the absence of the other.